My ten year old daughter called me silly this morning, with a slightly concerned look on her face as if to reveal she was thinking 'crazy' more than 'silly'.
It made me think about why I default to the silly and the answer came to me "When the silly is gone all that is left is the pain". (That is a direct quote from my brain.)
I live with a chronic illness which has been particularly good at kicking my ass lately. I wake up in pain, I spend my day in pain and I even hurt when I'm sleeping - believe me it is possible. Ironically I think the 'silly' or even the 'crazy' keeps me sane through all of it. I think I default to the silly because the only other option is to cry and I fear if I succumb to the tears I may never stop. If I surrender to the deep need to lie down I may never get up again. Which consciously I know isn't true however subconsciously I fear it is true. It's as if in surrendering to the pain I will be defeated forever and so every day, every moment is a battle a life or death war. And I am tired, extremely tired and sometimes all I can muster is a little silly.
Silliness Saves Me.
